I had another marvelous night’s sleep last night. Even better, I woke in a good mood and stayed in a good mood. Had a Boost and tried a piece of white bread with jam, but even with pain meds in gear, I couldn’t chew and swallow the soft bread. So, I had another Boost.
Chemo is cumulative and each cycle has its own rhythm and meter. During chemo orientation, I came away with the impression that the first cycle would be a blueprint for the next two cycles, i.e. how many days out would mark my low point, when the “sweet week” would begin. All three cycles have had significant variations in both timing of stages and physical effects.
Today (well, all week), I am aware of my mouth. Though the pitting and number of sores feel less (in quantity) than in the first cycle, what I have is more severe and more painful. My daily dental care is a real challenge. If the toothbrush is off by a millimeter, I jump through the ceiling! I use Magic Mouthwash before brushing, but even MM has its limits.
Chemo is a mind and body experience. Though it’s tougher physically each cycle, I have developed tools to deal with the pain and fatigue. It’s most important to listen to my body. I need to understand what I need physically. I need to listen to the cues my mind is sending me via my body. Everyday is different as the chemicals find new ways to twist my anatomy.
After my usual morning routine, I stayed with the “Keep Busy” theme and knocked off the rest of my phone call list. I read a bit of Jess Walter’s The Zero until my eyes got heavy. At 10:30 am, Rudy & I stretched out on the couch and fell into a deep nap. We woke an hour later and I was hungry. Made a double portion of Cream of Wheat and blended in brown sugar. After lunch, the doggies and I sat out on the back porch. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, the pinnacle of New England Spring. My original intention was to take the dogs on the medium walk today, but fatigue set back in. I read while they ran around the yard. The book is really engaging but try as I might, I kept drifting off. We headed back into the house, Rudy & I to the couch to nap all afternoon.
Ann & I are spending a laid back evening. We sat on the porch and talked, enjoyed the sweet breezes. After supper, I tweaked a couple of things on her new computer. She’s enjoying it.
Today was a long nap with a few interruptions. I’ll sleep well tonight despite my hours on the couch. Over the past decade, I’ve focused on listening to my body. Like everything else with chemo, this listening has become unconventional. I’ve had to learn new strategies and a new vocabulary. My body is trying to express a wholly new experience while my mind is busy rearranging its templates for understanding. Emotions, my link between mind and body, are oddly more stable. I know to let myself feel them, to let them play out, and to follow them to the source. My emotions are using the same language and mode of communication as before cancer treatment. What I once thought to be the most volatile part of my being has turned into the stabilizing element.
Thanks everyone for your support. You are a well from which I draw strength and energy. I can’t imagine going through this without you.
Love…
Richard
Unconventional listening: See, I think you’ve always been adept at it. It’s why your musical taste is so broad. It’s how you so easily get both Don White and me, even though we’re very different in our approaches to songwriting and performing. (I think Don is great, by the way … and my musical taste is far narrower than yours. I realize that pretty much everybody thinks Don is great. He’s irresistible, as far as I can tell.) You listen to each of us differently and you hear and sense what’s behind what we do. Your skill as an unconventional listener is the reason you and I know each other.
ReplyDeleteUnconventional listening, it seems to me, requires noticing information from different sources in different ways; hearing the strings of the guitar, but also feeling the twitch of the muscles and the coursing of the blood and the sting of the chemicals, tasting what was delicious yesterday and noticing that it’s odd today, seeing and smelling the day-by-day change of winter into spring. Some of it is sudden and obvious, but much of it is subtle and slow. And it’s not just noticing the information. It’s taking it in, being moved by it and acting on it. These are all part of unconventional listening. This is a skill we all need to learn. It takes great flexibility and patience. You model it so beautifully.
As volatility turns to stability, know that everything is on your side … Even what you least expected to work for you is pulling you through.
Here’s to you, my friend. Thank you for writing. I am listening.