I unpacked my bag and took inventory of my body. My calves are still sore from the walk down to the beach and back up to the Inn. That’s a bit disappointing; the walk would have been easy and not taxing before chemotherapy. Our weekend was a bit more active than normal. I feel fatigued even after a nap on the ride home.
Ann & I & the doggies spent most of the afternoon sitting out on our deck. We talked, read, and soaked in a gentle Spring breeze. I’m finding the Kindle easy to use and view. Lori Lansens’ The Girls is fascinating and when I finish, I’ll just move the cursor to choose from six other books on the device.
I’ve been trying to get at the source of my down days. Part of it is physical with the fatigue and other changes in my body, but I was stuffing my feelings, which is never productive. After my session with psychologist D, I’ve been focusing on my mind-set. When I feel blue, I sit and let the emotions settle and concentrate on what and why they are telling me.
When I started cancer treatment, I saw the intensive chemotherapy as the great challenge and radiation as the lesser. My energy level and degree of fight were both at their maximum. The chemo ate away at energy and fight, but in a normal course. Once horns are locked, all reserves are used as needed. The chemo cycles became a known entity and I worked through them.
I have to admit that I am a bit intimidated heading into the radiation therapy. The unknown has sharper teeth. When Ann & I met with the radiation team, I was at the nadir of chemo cycle #3, probably not the best day for me to hear all the details. There are many potential side effects to radiation and it’s the responsibility of the team to alert and prepare me for all of them. Though there are remedies for each side effect, there will still be discomfort (duh!)
The mouth and neck area contain the saliva glands, taste buds, gums and teeth, voice box, and swallow muscles (among other delicate items.) All of these will be impacted by the radiation. I will have a speech therapist and a nutritionist working with me as my treatment progresses.
A major goal is to keep my weight stable, vital for healing. I’ll have a feeding tube put into my stomach on April 30th. I’m not worried about that procedure, it’s similar to having my port put in: go to Brigham & Women’s Hospital day surgery, check in, take a nap, and wake with a new device implanted. Once such a procedure would have been intimidating. At this point, it is a minor event (and I sleep really well the day after anesthesia!) Cancer treatment has gifted me perspective and taught me to relax when I need a bit of bodywork.
The weekend away was a chance to recharge in a beautiful setting. I helped my body by eating mass quantities (still about 8-10 pounds below my weight before chemo), getting some exercise, and resting. My mind was off cancer most of the time, though the emotions about radiation treatment surfaced from time to time. I let them sit prominently with me and felt the fear and the intimidation lurking. Once acknowledged, the fear lost its teeth. The intimidation fell into perspective. Radiation will not be a lot fun. It will be a significant challenge but I will work diligently on whatever therapies/remedies are prescribed by the medical team.
The key is that I feel ready to face the challenges of radiation therapy. I have come to grips with my fear. Today, I read through Dana Farber’s mouth and throat radiation therapy guide. It lays out how we will manage pain and counter side effects such as dry mouth (most of the saliva glands will be out of service), nutrition, and speech issues. They know what they are doing. They care for me as a patient and a whole human being. I will be fine. On Tuesday, my Bring It On mantra will lead me into radiation treatment. I will fight my way through the treatment day-by-day and know the finish line is ever closer.
Thanks all for your comfort and support. I never feel alone.
Love…
Richard
your in my thoughts.... Onward! You can do it!
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