If I’m not careful, I could start these postings the same everyday. Here’s how I started yesterday “I slept heavily last night. Got up around 9:30 am, had breakfast and only some meds. My mouth was feeling better, so I cut out the pain meds and Magic Mouthwash. I did my usual computer check, then settled back on the couch and fell fast asleep.” I can say basically ditto for today (got up at 8:30 am), which is a bad pattern.
I am in some kind of funk; think a lot of it is anxiety. It could be from this whole process wearing me down, it could be the pending radiation treatments which are starting earlier than originally planned. Instead of a couple to three-week break, it’s really less than a week. Whatever the cause, I need to root it out and deal with it.
When I began treatment for cancer, I was bound and determined (and continue to be) not to feel sorry for myself, no pity pot. My goal was and is a positive attitude with which to fight this disease. I have to balance that goal with an understanding of how I work emotionally. When I set the bar, I usually set it too high and too rigid. Nothing is absolute. These treatments are difficult challenges and I may not be allowing myself enough space to feel those difficulties. I can’t pretend the pain and anxiety away. I can’t work it away. I have to find a way to let myself feel what my mind and body are telling me, embrace the emotions, and then let them go. I think the anxiety may be breeding there.
When I’m home alone, I’m left with my mind for my companion. My mind can be a dangerous neighborhood. Sometimes, I trick it (really myself) into being a surreal but happy place that has no roots in reality. Other times, it plays games with me and sends me into dark moods. What’s important for me to constantly acknowledge is that I am responsible for what goes on my mind. Instead of accepting a view that is too soft or too harsh, I must challenge what’s going up and inject a bit of reality.
I’ve decided that I need augment my KEEP BUSY slogan with another: EARN YOUR NAPS. I still need more rest than usual, but I also need activity just as much. If I want a nap, I can pay for it with chores, a walk, or a bike ride. If I let myself be a couch potato, my body will atrophy and with it, my mind. Got to keep those two in tune.
At lunch today, Ann & I took the doggies for a short walk around the neighborhood. My legs felt fine after the walk, but my body a bit dazed. Without the meds, I should be clear. I need to get active.
My stomach is playing games again. At the point in the chemo cycle when I drop the pain meds, I go from stool softener mode to Imodium mode. All I ingested this morning and noon was a Boost and white toast with jam. At about 3:00 pm, I downed a double portion of Cream of Wheat and that has settled well. I’m considering a short bike ride followed by an earned nap.
Thanks everyone for comments, emails, and support. On the easy days, you make me glow. On the hard days, you pick me up and get me moving in the right direction. I can’t imagine being on this fight without all of you standing with me.
Love…
Richard
Well, I just have to say that I love the dangerous neighborhood of your mind. Oh, I know, I know, you gotta keep it wrangled, I’m with you on that. It’s easy for an inventive, imaginative mind like yours to create run-amuck anxiety just like it creates poetry. It’s kind of like a husky: It really needs a job and, if you don’t give it one, it’s gonna tear up the couch. I’m so glad you’ve given your mind the task of writing about your days and how you feel. It would be just fine with me if you wrote the same thing every day … but, you won’t … because you’re not going to feel the same every day. I know it gets frustrating sometimes when you’re waiting for a major change for the better and all you get is a subtle one, or no change at all, or even something that feels like a backslide. It starts to feel like it’s always going to be this way. But, your amazing body won’t be full of chemo forever. It’s gonna get rid of it and the Alien with it. You’re gonna feel great again. You’re gonna get used to feeling great. You’re gonna get so used to feeling great that you’ll start worrying about dumb stuff that doesn’t really matter like the rest of us do.
ReplyDeleteI still think that the naps are part of your job right now. The body does miraculous stuff during sleep. It’s fixing itself while you nap. It never stops.
I send you my love, my friend, and I wish you something better than Boost and white bread tomorrow.