Time to 'fess up.
Monday, I had an appointment with my Swallow Therapist and Nutritionist, the two disciplines are close, so they are scheduled together. I was doing well. My routine of meds followed by a half hour break to do swallow exercises followed by two cans of formula (720 calories) followed by a semi-solid snack of real food was working. I was eating three snacks a day. My weight was very stable. The next step given to me was to begin with my real food and in greater quantity, then fill in with how much formula I need to fill up. They gave me a nice yellow cookbook, too, filled with easy to swallow recipes.
Tuesday morning, I started out with great enthusiasm and a cup filled with Cheerios and soy milk. To my surprise, I finished the cup. I then followed it with a can of formula. The Cheerios swelled in my stomach and soon I was lying on the couch bloated. The rest of the day, I took it very easy with food. On Wednesday, I ate most of a soy pudding first and then followed with formula, still not having confidence in larger than snack real food portions. Again, the rest of the day, I took it very easy with food.
Today, I tried a cup of Cheerios for breakfast. I finished about a third of it. I had one can of formula, but did not feel satisfied. I should be doing better.
On the plus side: I am close to being off pain meds.
My short term goal is to get out of the house more. Today, we had repair people in all day. Tomorrow, I walk the park or mall (depending on temperature) and go grocery shopping. I need specific foods based on the Monday appointment to vary my meals. I need a change of scenery.
I am angry with myself. I can do better than this. I must do better than this.
On Monday, I was feeling great. I was with the program and progressing. Today, I feel off. It and I are not as bad off as I think. This is just a tough day. I have to bounce back. I'm stronger and in less pain than anytime since radiation. Cancer recovery is very challenging. Time for me to buck up!
Thanks friends and family for your support, comfort, and love. Special thank you to Renee who drove me on Monday - I stayed awake to and from Boston - a great sign that I am getting stronger.
Love...
Richard
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Also time to be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh, my friend, you will do better. You will. You would even if you didn't try. You will do better faster because you try so hard ... but, it would happen either way. It's like that with guitar, too. It's mysterious. You try, you try, you try, seems like nothing is happening ... But, it is ... And you get better at it gradually ... and it doesn't feel like much ... but, it is. It's huge. It's huge. You are stronger. You are better. You are awake. You are sturggling. You are improving. You have bad days. You are improving. You can already eat more real food than you could. When you can eat all the real food you want it will feel so normal and natural that it may feel like no big deal. You'll be on to the next thing, the next challenge, the next thing you think you should be doing better. Highly productive and competent people are rarely satisfied with their progress.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like crap. Yeah, it does. But, the fact is ... you're doing well.
Here's to you my friend, my hero.
Awww Richard sounds like you are doing great.... How was Maine ??/
ReplyDeleteMy highspeed was down... but you were still in my prayers....
I am back up and running
Laura
Maine was wonderful; moments of sheer joy with the four of us together. We've been going up to the same place in Maine for about 22 years. Every visit brings memories.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers...